Today is Sam's 30th Birthday!
I've known Sam for about 14 years now.
We've seen each other change and grow.
We've fought, we've made up.
We've laughed together and cried together
and watched many bad movies together
Like Faster Pussycat, Kill Kill
and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
and don't forget about good ole Billy Jack!

We've also watched many good movies,
and hung out at the Only Cafe and drank coffee,
and hung out at the Old Stone and drank beer
and gone to the Night Kitchen for pizza
and drank many bottles of wine at his house
and terrorized his poor cockney-accented cats
and listened to a whole whack of music that should just be retired...
but also listened to a few good albums as well.
My friend Sam used to hate every single boyfriend I had
and sometimes he still does ;)
And my friend Sam and I used to walk around Peterborough at 2am just talking to one another about life and dreams and loves and losses and treasures and hopes and hates.
And I love him for all of these things, and hope his life is filled with even more of these moments, shared with as many people as possible.

Life never diminishes in meaning or brilliance as we get older...
Our heightened understanding of its works only makes everything that much brighter in our eyes.

So enjoy your birthday night Sam.
Spend it well with all of the people you hold dear to you
and remember that you are a shining star to each one of them just as much as they are shining stars to you.

I love you and miss you. You are an exceptional person.

Had a great weekend.
I'm full of barbeque'd things.
Worked on some stuff yesterday with Andy. Some of it is sounding excellent now. Very polished. We're trying to work out Breathe right now, how we're going to build it up. I made our living room into an impromptu recording studio yesterday, just so we could have a rough copy of the guitar, vox and bowed bass of the song so far. I want to also come up with a harmonizing melody that he can pluck in quarter notes... something to break up the monotony of all the other long, drawn out notes We'll see what we can come up with. Andy's going to be working on it too.
Right now my focus is trying to get things worked out for Breathe so we can get it recorded and finished up for the Factor deadline.
I think I'm going to hit a new open stage tomorrow night, meet some new faces. It's all about building up your name... making it known. Meeting people in the flesh and talking with them.
Otherwise you won't have a leg to stand on in this business, no matter how much talent you may have.

Sunday afternoon I read a lot and watched a chick flick. Cried my eyes dry near the end of it. Sometimes it's good to watch those kinds of movies, just for that reason. To let something out.
It didn't help though that one of the characters in the movie asked a question... something that I had recently asked someone in real life. The exact wording too.
The funny thing is, the character that was being asked the question wouldn't give an answer either. For a few seconds, a hollywood movie mirrored my own life. For a few seconds.
It was a strange feeling.

Falling asleep in the back seat
Eyes heavy, dark and low
As lights flash by all in a row
And we dream of slow feet
And slow trains moving us along
In a slow race
To the incandescent glow

*****

Man!

I made the best pasta sauce ever last night. Am having some for my lunch today too with melted cheese. Mmmmmm.
Today seems to be going by fairly quickly, which is nice. I'm looking forward to this weekend. Lots of things to get done, and we're having a bbq on Saturday. Will's inviting a bunch of people from work. An may or may not be there. She's on holidays from work right now, and she may be going away for the weekend. It was undecided still as of last night.

You know... I'm really loving my new place.
We all seem to compliment each other in different ways.. and it fits.
I was looking out the window last night into the courtyard. It's really a very nice little place we have, and I feel so lucky to have found it, or to have been found by it. I really feel like it's where I'm supposed to be right now. I've needed a place that I can feel is my home for quite some time now... a base of operations that I can always come home to after being away, or after long weeks of work and just relax there.. be in my own space. And the outside of our place is beautiful, really. My flowers should start blooming any day now, and there's lots of trees and grass and dirt. Real dirt. Dirt that you can mess your hands up with planting things in. Dirt that smells wonderful after a heavy rainfall. Dirt that worms come up from.
And because it's closed off from and away from any roads, it's actually quiet, save for the airplanes that occasionally fly overhead, circling around to land at pearson airport. But it's never so loud that it's bothersome. It's got a homey feel of it's own in a way. I get this strange nostalgic feeling when I'm there. A very happy nostalgic feeling. It reminds me of my friend Lief, and it reminds me of my grandfather and it reminds me of things I no longer have pictures in my mind of, but I know they're there. The smells are familiar and good.

I can actually feel excited about spending time at home again. It's a great feeling.

You will never be absolved of your own sins by pointing out the sins of others.

I know the things that I've done.
and if I thought it would make a difference to the situation, I would talk about them,
but in all honesty, I know it will not.

I did have feelings,
I did feel some deep connection for a time,
but now it has effectively been scourged from me.
And I am raw inside,
a scrubbed and dry being.

I asked once to be given an answer.
"tell me 'no' and I can stop this in myself."
but it never ever came. The answer was always "I cannot tell you."
And I knew the answer anyway, so I dropped from that plateau,
but occasionally still had to try and understand it's heights.
So I took up words, and tried to convey the loss I felt from gaining that understanding nature in someone, and then losing it almost immediately.
A poisoned carrot dangled in front of me
A lure, fresh with piercing hooks hidden in it's flesh.
All I wanted was understanding of it.
The only loss I felt was the depths of friendship suddenly gone from me.
Nothing in the flesh, because I had never sought the flesh of that situation. Only ever the bright light of it.
And if I am to be condemned for that
then so be it
for at least I have been faithful and honest to myself in it.

It opens up a flood,
This graceless flow of time and fear
And the coffee gets cold
And our hearts grow old waiting here

And this moment is heavy
But my heart holds me steady...

***

The man in the station plays his saxophone like he would a lover, soft and sweet at first, breathing in the sights and smells of a body laying in wait to be plucked and breathed into a fire.
The sounds rising in a slow crescendo of excitement, laughter and crying and then the shutting of eyes and slow breathing of calm and lazy contentment as the notes drift slowly and languidly off through to dreams.

I'm filling out my applications for songwriter fest. I'm excited about it. I met the founder of the festival on Thursday, and I'm hoping I made an impression for her to remember me by. I'm also going to email her and hopefully open up more communication between us. I want to see about possibly starting to get some shows down there in Waterloo. I went to the open stage on Thursday night spceifically because I knew two people would be there who would be good contacts to make for future shows. I'm going to email the other guy too for a set-up in guelph. He has a venue that he hosts for, and it soudns like it has a regular crowd. That's the best possible things for someone like me right now.
So music has been most of my focus this weekend. I feel pretty good when I'm getting things done like this... when I have specific goals to work toward.

Andy W. came into town last night.
It was so good to see him, and it was a great surprise for my weekend. It's been about 2 years since we've had the opportunity to hang out for any great length of time. We headed out to a nice air-conditioned pub and had some good food and drink, then came back here and hung out in the basement where it was cool(er) and got pleasantly drunk and talked until 5am. I've missed him quite a lot.
Went to the mall (more air conditioning) this morning for coffee and croissants and just enjoyed each other's company until he had to leave mid-afternoon.
I don't know what it is, but Andy and I share a special bond with each other, and I'm glad of it. It's always there, no matter how much time passes between us. We know how to look at each other and understand. I guess it's what can happen when you spend 6 years with someone. You can look at their face and recognize if something is out of place... you can read their body language and know what they're thinking without words. And these things are apparent to me whenever Andy is around.

I really appreciated him being here last night though. He will always listen openly to the things I have to say and tell me his honest opinion, or kick me in the ass when he thinks I'm being stupid, and I hope I provide that same understanding and honesty to him.

Anyway... finally feeling hungry now. Gonna go make something light. Fish I think... and rice.

But never completely leave me...

I had a dream about you last night again

you were viciously taunting me in an old room made of wood, me pleading with you to stop.

You were apologetic before boarding a bus to leave
and I turned and walked away so I would not have to watch you go once again.

Ugh...
My house feel like a sauna right now.
The air feels like it's been sitting in a dingy swamp for ten years.
And so do I right now for that matter...

I need....
a lake
and some nice trees
and some Canadian shield granite
and the sweet smell of cedar. I could go for a moonlit swim. that would be amazing.
Sometimes I even wish I had someone to put into that idea with me.

Tonight was good. Things are definitely starting to sound fantastic. It's all coming together. I have work cut out for me this week though.
Breathe is the focus right now, and I have to figure out exactly what I want played in it. I've got some figuring out to do so I can actually give Andy the notes I hear behind it all rather than just a vague idea of how I want it to sound. Everything else I've been open about and quite less specific, but Breathe... it's another story altogether. How to build it into something marketable but be able to retain it's deep feeling and flowing nature. It's a toughie... but I think I can do it. Once I sit down and actually put some time into it, I know it will come.

It's hard sometimes though... putting thought into a song that was written years ago. But breathe applies to more than just a wish in my life then... it has transformed into someting new... something more than just an idea of what I want. It transformed into what I feel in you... and I'm sure it will continue to have different meanings to me as I go through this life.

It really is a universal song.

:evil:

Oh... it's hot outside.
I have to look at the central air unit tonight and see what I can see so we can hopefully turn the damn thing on.
I've been taking two (cold) showers a day just so I can feel normal and sleep half-decently at night.
It's that time of year...
tonight... is practice night.
At least we can hole ourselves up in the basement where it's more comfortable and cool.

ahhh... the weekend arrives...

My breath recedes in this grey afternoon,
A voice all it's own that calls from within.
The song that a thousand ships have owned:
Please set me adrift in the world.

***

It's there.

Maybe I just haven't lost all of my green understanding yet,
but I'm positive it's there,
else how would I be able to feel it's presence?

A philosopher once argued that if a person can think something... believe something, then it must be true, for something never comes from nothing.

And I feel it within myself... this ability to love.
Something so powerful and immense that I cannot see it's edges.
And all I wait for
is someone worthy and strong enough to receive it.
worthy enough and strong enough to know what's right, when it's right.

And I know it exists in someone else...
it must

for it exists in me.

ugh.

I feel heavy today...
my eyes, my brain, my entire body.
I think I must have woken up in the middle of a sleep cycle or something, because I've been this way since then.
I feel drugged or something...
can't get myself to snap out of this stupor.

I need something to wake me up.

You know... it's kind of funny the reoccurring images in dreams.
I dream about airports a lot, and baggage conveyor belts. Sometimes I'm on them, sometimes I'm just looking at them.
I also dream about water quite a lot. Oceans, rivers, lakes...

I dreamt I was in a lake with you
and you went limp and slid beneath the surface
and I was powerless to help you back, as I watched your head disappear into the murky depths.

You know... I really miss Lief.

He's been in Korea for almost a year now. Isn't that great?! he's been teaching english to children over there, though from some of the pictures he sends from time to time it looks more like a glorified babysitting service. Kids jumping all over him and such...
but he looks so happy in them. :)

I took this of him a couple of days before he left. We went out and shared a few pints together and had a good long visit.


Lief's a great guy, and I love him to pieces.
I hope he's having loads of wonderful experiences out there in the big, wide world. Stories he can tell his grandkids someday.

Playing last night was a blast!
tho, Andy kept making me laugh with his "kill yourself in the face" jokes while the other performers were doing their things. damn him! heh heh

it was good to be up onstage, and it felt even better to share the attention with someone. We sounded awesome! I didn't get the regular 'shaky knees' that I usually get when I'm up onstage... I was quite calm...and relaxed... and completely in that space. It was great. I can't wait to do it again soon!

***

Conversations are hard sometimes...
because sometimes there's just no space for them to take place in.

I don't believe that there is any 'perfect' connection with someone where there's never any conflict or strife.
I'd like to believe that if you have that genuine connection with someone, you can share a life with them, the good and the bad, maintaining that deep understanding of each other.
I mean... two people who have that creative monster inside them should uderstand each other in the fact that each individual needs time alone in that 'space' to create things... to surrender to it. Not only so they can create things though, but so they can come back to their partner and share the experiences had in that space with them. With someone who will ultimately understand them.
There are heavy and light sides to every relationship, and it's the heavy side that makes us question ourselves and our surroundings, and therefore learn how to be in it... or when to move on.

I guess I thought I had found something of it in you...
but you are elsewhere. So I wish you every luck and confidence.. and I will move on from here and look once more.

I guess it's all for the sake of knowing.

While you make pretty speeches,

I’m being cut to shreds

You feed me to the lions,

A delicate balance

And this just feels like spinning plates

I’m living in cloud cuckoo land

And this just feels like spinning plates

My body is floating down the muddy river

Here’s some pics I took yesterday of myself. Was mostly just fiddling around with the webcam and then brought them into photopaint for some editing.

You know… I did a lot of thinking yesterday.  I guess that’s what lazy, solitary days are good for. I thought back to a conversation I had with someone about 6 months ago about taking responsibility for our own lives.

I think the topic came up in the first place because we were talking about changes that had occurred in our lives over the past few years.

We both kind of realized that, at a certain point, we had stopped being accusatory and blaming everyone we could point a finger at for all of the traumas (great and small, emotional, mental and physical) that have happened to us over the years. At some point along the way, we had started taking responsibility for ourselves and forgiven those things that had happened so long ago.

I really believe that in order to move on to any next stage in life it’s essential for people to do just this. The way a person reacts to anything in life is a choice, and whether they hold it with them for years, or let go and move on in a positive way for themselves is also a choice.

There’s only so long that you can blame your parents for bringing you up badly, or blame the kids you went to school with for picking on you, or blame your siblings for being mean and nasty to you. At a certain point, those things really become invalid as any solid argument, because ultimately, none of those people are the ones who make choices for your life now. YOU are. Even is you’re making choices based on the fact that you’ve been hurt in the past, it’s still you making the choice, and therefore the only person who can be responsible for the outcome is you.

Anyway… that’s my little rant for the day.

I just find it very curious how many people still blame parents or siblings or any people from their past for how their life is… or how they feel now.

I mean… I know I do it too sometimes, but I’ve become aware of it. So I’m usually pretty good at stopping myself from getting into that whole cycle again. And I find, that as I get older, it’s much easier for me to bounce back from the things that have hurt me because of the fact that I choose not to let it drag me down.

Had a good weekend.
Was rushing a bit last night to make sure I had everything together for today. I'm going to have to try and afford a car at some point. It gets a little ridiculous with me trying to carry everything I need on the subway. My guitar and accessories, plus anything I need for work.

Andy came over Friday night to practice. It completely energized me again. I need positive things around me right now, and it only takes having fun, creating good music with people to create a positive atmosphere. It was exactly what I needed at the end of my week. I'm going to try and get him to come and practice with me at east once a week, that way we can really stay on top of things and make sure we're ready to go into the studio.

I just wish Rob was able to get here more often to practice.

Saturday was spent in the company of Yvonne and another friend of mine, Chantal, who I haven't seen in about 3 years. It's strange the way people flit in and out of our lives isn't it? Sometimes they're there for a purpose, sometimes they're there because you have a purpose for them, and sometimes they're just drifting through...
So anyway... the three of us went to Queen East on Saturday afternoon to walk around and look at all of the art exhibits from the RAW festival. There was some pretty interesting stuff there, though truth be told, most of the paintings of people that I saw looked really stiff... posed...not very interesting. But there were some really good artists who used colour and shape and line very well. If I had unlimited funds, I would have purchased a few pieces there.

Sunday...
well Sunday was spent completely indoors. I needed a day completely to myself, and when I woke up in the morning there was no one in the house, so I decided to use it to my advantage. Had a nice leisurely breakfast... many mugs of tea, played guitar, tried to write a little, read some of my book and just kind of lounged a lot.
I took some pictures with the webcam and fooled with them a bit in photopaint. I'll post them up later.

for now..
it's back to work.

Everyone has a desire to love. But your desire is rooted very deeply in your unconscious and affects many of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.

You have an energy about you that inspires people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. In this way, you and your drive for loving relationships start a chain reaction of positive experiences.

The reason you are driven by love, may be because your unconscious is trying to avoid the opposite of love — hate. You, more than others, may be afraid of experiencing severe discord with others. That may, in turn, heavily influence your choices about relationships and the way you communicate your ideas, wants, and desires to others.

With such a strong orientation towards loving others, your relationships hold a very special place in your life. Your capacity to love may be greater than those around you, and therefore you may have more to give in relationships than your romantic partner does. Remember that this is a gift you have and one most others don't possess.

Andy brought his stand-up over tonight and we practiced some stuff. He's going to be accompanying me on Monday, which I think is great. It will be the first time we've performed in front of an audience together, just the two of us.

I really needed tonight.
Not the practice part... well we needed that...
but I needed it more to remind me that doing this is fun.
I don't want to do this if it's not going to be fun.
Andy brought his bow with him this time and we were trying some stuff out! Man... I can't express how happy that simple thing made me feel. To finally hear a part of my music the way I had always heard it in my head. I mean it's fine and dandy to hear it in my head and know how I want it to sound... it's a different experience entirely to hear it coming from an instrument. I was giddy with excitement! REALLY! I was overwhelmed... my heart overflowed...and the more we played around with things the more ideas I got.
And that's the way it should be! Creativity is a drug.
Andy won't be using the bow on Monday, but I'm excited for when he feels confidant enough with it. Soooo excited.
whoa! I make people cry NOW with my music... wait until they hear it with those melodramatic, drawn-out, soulful bowed bass notes!
It will be a mirror.

and I guess.. essentially that is what I do.
I hold a mirror up to people. They can see themselves in what I write. It's not that they see a light in me... maybe they just see my ability to delve into things and convey them honestly through my music, but they see themselves as well.
And they always thank me for it afterwards.

Music isn't about showing people how I feel...
It's about showing them the space where they can be free to feel whatever they feel.

I feel much better now.

...and don't extend beyond the small sphere of my own awareness

I was reading the journal entry of a good friend the other day and he was talking about reality and how most of us spend most of our lives laying in wait for that "something more real."

And what is real?
Is it a slap up the side of the head that will eventually wake us up from this unquestionably hazy and tepid existence we live in? Or is real the waking dream we are experiencing - right now? And the more we wait for something else to happen, the more we're wasting reality by trying to define our own life by our own standards and set of rules?

You know... ultimately, we're just tools of nature. Not even tools... just part of nature.
Even in the selfish and inundated natures of our beings, we still serve no real purpose even to ourselves, because in the end, doesn't it just end anyway?
I mean... you might be able to carve yourself as a totem for future generations. You might be written into some history book and left on a shelf somewhere, read by people from time to time...

but really,
what's the point? History is boring and serves no real purpose other than to show us all the mistakes we keep making.

ugh
I'm feeling rather angry today I guess.
Angry and annoyed
because my hope is gone
"and without hope, souls never cease to cry."

It left last night on the river I cried,
and was carried away by your voice.

I'm feeling a little nonplussed right now.

I was talking with Rob last night about what we have to expect from all of this. From going through with our lives and utilising the things we have been given.
What it boils down to is a big, fat zero.
Nothing.
Nada.

And I'm left in complete confusion as to where these things come from. Where do all of these feelings come from? Where do all of these thoughts and feelings come from?
You know the ones...
the ones that tell you there's something more
Some ultimate connection that you can share with someone...
not in perfection, because, lets be honest, that really doesn't exist, but in a great and wonderful way nonetheless.
The greatest relationships are the ones that make you question yourself constantly. The ones that take no effort at all when it's good. The ones that tear you to pieces when it's bad.
They're passionate, but not fleeting, honest, true and downright dirty sometimes.
But they're wonderful, and worth keeping.

So I don't even have that to look forward to?

God... this is going to be a boring rest of my life, when the most I can expect from it is to follow the straight line of something all the way to my end.

What a fucking rip-off.